Only God knows..
Saturday, February 18, 2012
I will be seldomly update this blog with only my feelings. This blog is at its best when its dead. Cuz no one will visit and read this.
Gonna first start with her...
Im sorry I have to let go of you. Im sorry we had to go our separate ways. I know you are heartbroken and saf. I will take the blame. But listen, it wad never easy to let you go, I swear. You were my first love. Very first one. I really love you with all my heart. As the months gone by, I came to realised that I have made a mistake. Graviest mistake for me. But then I thought back again as I would think I could overcome this. I tried but it doesnt work. I should have listen to Yul in the beginning. I should have been more careful with my choices. Sigh. It was too late. Im sorry Zilah. I really love you and I still do. I just have to let you go. )': Im sorry that Im not the one that you have been looking. Im just a failure who lost everything. Hope you are doing fine and from the looks of your twitter and path, seems that you have a new crush in your school. If good to see you back smile again. (': im gonna wish you all the best for your future and your new love when time comes. Hope he's way better than me in everything. (':
Actually I have been wanting to ask you regarding your twitter. All those angry, sarcastic and indirect tweets seemed to be referring to me. I have a feeling that you are angry at me and hate me so much. Is it true? I dont know what I've done since the break up which you dont have those anger and hatred towards me. Either way, I just dont know what to say but to hold a short smile on my face thinking that I might just do the right thing for you and your future.
Im sorry. I miss you so much.
The least I could do is to wish you goodluck with your future and takecare of yourself. (':
To be honest, its really hard to make that choice and extremely hard to move on. )': sigh.
Love you.
Shazzy
Gonna first start with her...
Im sorry I have to let go of you. Im sorry we had to go our separate ways. I know you are heartbroken and saf. I will take the blame. But listen, it wad never easy to let you go, I swear. You were my first love. Very first one. I really love you with all my heart. As the months gone by, I came to realised that I have made a mistake. Graviest mistake for me. But then I thought back again as I would think I could overcome this. I tried but it doesnt work. I should have listen to Yul in the beginning. I should have been more careful with my choices. Sigh. It was too late. Im sorry Zilah. I really love you and I still do. I just have to let you go. )': Im sorry that Im not the one that you have been looking. Im just a failure who lost everything. Hope you are doing fine and from the looks of your twitter and path, seems that you have a new crush in your school. If good to see you back smile again. (': im gonna wish you all the best for your future and your new love when time comes. Hope he's way better than me in everything. (':
Actually I have been wanting to ask you regarding your twitter. All those angry, sarcastic and indirect tweets seemed to be referring to me. I have a feeling that you are angry at me and hate me so much. Is it true? I dont know what I've done since the break up which you dont have those anger and hatred towards me. Either way, I just dont know what to say but to hold a short smile on my face thinking that I might just do the right thing for you and your future.
Im sorry. I miss you so much.
The least I could do is to wish you goodluck with your future and takecare of yourself. (':
To be honest, its really hard to make that choice and extremely hard to move on. )': sigh.
Love you.
Shazzy
Hopes.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
I have nothing much to say already I think. Sigh. I really am feelings-less right now. I dont know what to feel, neither do I could think properly. You had awful arguements with your family. I really dont know what to say to help you. Everytime I say something, it doesnt help but it makes you more angrier than ever. ): I feel like a toilet bowl. You would just throw in everything to me to listen, then expect me to flush everything away. I dont mind you telling, shouting or crying abt your problems, i can give you a listening ear. But not bringing in topics on me that you are angry at all of a sudden. Bringing me to the ground. Feeling shitty to listening to your problems.
I even apologized you for what I've did, You dont seem to accept it, but instead, you bring in more and more miserable things and anger on me. Why dont you just accept my apology and ignore everything. settle it. done. Cant you do that? And now, i was just expecting an apology from you. Just one word "sorry" is that hard to say? Somethings, when you did something wrong, and im involved, you didnt apologized me. NOT EVEN A BIT. But sometimes you do. And there are times when I apologized you first, THEN you would apologized me, when it is clearly you starting all the problems and then i overreacting on it. Sigh. Now onwards, when we fight, I would always have the thought of moving forward alone or with you still. Seriously, EVERY SINGLE FIGHT. I would always have that thought. Fucking serious! GOD.
Learn to be patient at times. When it is fated to be like that, dont bother fighting it. Let it be. Its god challenge for you. Learn it! Pls. For your goodness sake and future.
I even apologized you for what I've did, You dont seem to accept it, but instead, you bring in more and more miserable things and anger on me. Why dont you just accept my apology and ignore everything. settle it. done. Cant you do that? And now, i was just expecting an apology from you. Just one word "sorry" is that hard to say? Somethings, when you did something wrong, and im involved, you didnt apologized me. NOT EVEN A BIT. But sometimes you do. And there are times when I apologized you first, THEN you would apologized me, when it is clearly you starting all the problems and then i overreacting on it. Sigh. Now onwards, when we fight, I would always have the thought of moving forward alone or with you still. Seriously, EVERY SINGLE FIGHT. I would always have that thought. Fucking serious! GOD.
Learn to be patient at times. When it is fated to be like that, dont bother fighting it. Let it be. Its god challenge for you. Learn it! Pls. For your goodness sake and future.
Silence in Despair
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Im disappointed and mad at you. Im starting to be falling onto the false hope side. You starting to go back to your thing of using the "aku, kau". I dont see the point of moving on with you if you still have that kind of thing in your mind towards me. Seriously, where do you start with? And where do you end to? This reminds me of the past fights we have. Slightly the same. But still abit of different and change going on.
Yes, Im sorry that Im annoying with "okay can". Im practically sick and I was bored so, thought of joking around would just be the thing to have everything turn around. Well maybe I was overdoing it till you got annoyed. And Yes, I like girls to dress up. And I know you hate dressing up. But the contradicting part of you is that, at one time you said you hate dressing up, another one time you said "time to have get myself dressed nicely" and THAT point of time, I did a 50-50 smile, cuz it triggered me the time where you said you hate dressing up. And then now, you said it again that you hate dressing up. And NOW im confused. Really confused. WHICH ONE IS IT?! Hate it? Or trying to like it? Sigh.
Now the fact that I did tweet that because I want to counter tweet your retweet. Everybody retweet things for a reason right? Who doesnt? I find it dumb if people do that for no particular reason in mind. Of course you like what you retweet right? So I felt uneasy for the moment.
I didnt want to talk to you abt it but instead tried to do it another way. You commented on my tweets cause I know you felt slight uneasy. But I didnt comment anything. Not a single word abt it. "its just a retweet" - yuh thats what you said. What if I tweet MY TWEET first. Obviously you would have the same awkward and uneasy feeling and same comment on it.
Now you were mad abt me. For which one is it im not sure. When I asked you, you said you dont know. Well nvmd. You figure it out. I called you, no answers. I texted ya no replies. Im not gonna sleep for the whole night. I dont know if you read this. But im still not sleeping. Now that you said "Jangan harap aku nak bbl ngan kau". WTF is that suppose mean ah? Well that was my first impression when I read that. Well, I have nothing much to say but to keep quiet and not talk to you and leave you alone till you think you are ready for everything. Im not gonna text ya. Im just gonna keep quiet. Im just gonna be alone and do nothing but sleep and eat.
And by the looks of it, you dont want to talk to me at all. Well so be it. I know I dont play the guitar well, or sings like you always wanted that time. But Im someone who cares abt you so much. Till even when Im sick, i still have a chat with. Be it fast or long, still at least a chat with you. Be it a short call. Till even when Im sick, would still worry abt you when you want to go out in the middle of the night with no replies in the end. Till even when Im sick, Im gonna sacrifice myself not to sleep pretending that its all my fault that cause all of these to happen.
Now if you do call me, Im not gonna answer those calls. Now if you text me, Im just gonna do the same as what you did earlier tonight. See if you care or worry abt me. Now I dont care abt myself. Im not gonna take my meds nor rest for the rest of the week, till I get well naturally on my own without any help.
Goodbye.
ShAzzy.
Yes, Im sorry that Im annoying with "okay can". Im practically sick and I was bored so, thought of joking around would just be the thing to have everything turn around. Well maybe I was overdoing it till you got annoyed. And Yes, I like girls to dress up. And I know you hate dressing up. But the contradicting part of you is that, at one time you said you hate dressing up, another one time you said "time to have get myself dressed nicely" and THAT point of time, I did a 50-50 smile, cuz it triggered me the time where you said you hate dressing up. And then now, you said it again that you hate dressing up. And NOW im confused. Really confused. WHICH ONE IS IT?! Hate it? Or trying to like it? Sigh.
Now the fact that I did tweet that because I want to counter tweet your retweet. Everybody retweet things for a reason right? Who doesnt? I find it dumb if people do that for no particular reason in mind. Of course you like what you retweet right? So I felt uneasy for the moment.
I didnt want to talk to you abt it but instead tried to do it another way. You commented on my tweets cause I know you felt slight uneasy. But I didnt comment anything. Not a single word abt it. "its just a retweet" - yuh thats what you said. What if I tweet MY TWEET first. Obviously you would have the same awkward and uneasy feeling and same comment on it.
Now you were mad abt me. For which one is it im not sure. When I asked you, you said you dont know. Well nvmd. You figure it out. I called you, no answers. I texted ya no replies. Im not gonna sleep for the whole night. I dont know if you read this. But im still not sleeping. Now that you said "Jangan harap aku nak bbl ngan kau". WTF is that suppose mean ah? Well that was my first impression when I read that. Well, I have nothing much to say but to keep quiet and not talk to you and leave you alone till you think you are ready for everything. Im not gonna text ya. Im just gonna keep quiet. Im just gonna be alone and do nothing but sleep and eat.
And by the looks of it, you dont want to talk to me at all. Well so be it. I know I dont play the guitar well, or sings like you always wanted that time. But Im someone who cares abt you so much. Till even when Im sick, i still have a chat with. Be it fast or long, still at least a chat with you. Be it a short call. Till even when Im sick, would still worry abt you when you want to go out in the middle of the night with no replies in the end. Till even when Im sick, Im gonna sacrifice myself not to sleep pretending that its all my fault that cause all of these to happen.
Now if you do call me, Im not gonna answer those calls. Now if you text me, Im just gonna do the same as what you did earlier tonight. See if you care or worry abt me. Now I dont care abt myself. Im not gonna take my meds nor rest for the rest of the week, till I get well naturally on my own without any help.
Goodbye.
ShAzzy.
Wtf. Just WHAT THE FUCK.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Im really pissed right now. Seriously. You pissed? HAH. Kau fikir kau sorang pe ah?! Orang just ade dream pasal tu budak and bilang kau. Kau tanyer aku tadi, aku chose not to tell you in the first place pasal benda gini akan jadi. Gadoh. GADUH GADUH GADUH. Binget kau tau tak. kalau aku bilang kau biler kau tanyer aku tadi, THE SAME SHIT GONNA HAPPEN KAU TAU TAK. kimak. AKU BINGET KAU TAK. Aku ni matair kau, aku faham camne kau rase, kau leh cakap lagi aku tak faham? "You'll never fucking understand me!" Aku ni ape? Matair kental ape sia?! Anak patung?! Kau sendiri cakap aku sorang faham perasan kau. Sekarang cakap tak. Ape ni?! Mane satu aku nk PERCAYA NI AH?! CB! SIAL betul. Aku berbual ngan pompuan salah. Aku tak bbl ngan pompuan salah. APE KAU NAK NI AH!?! Aku tak bbl ngan pompuan, nanti kau cakap kau selfish la ape la. TAU PUN! Kalau aku bbl ngan pompuan, MARAH AKU LA JEALOUS LA. KORANG POMPUAN COMPLICATED GILER BABI LAAAH CB. AKU KAT SINI DAH SETIA PADA KAU. KAU NK BISING2 MACAM TAKLEH PECAYA AKU. KAU SENDIRI ADE CRUSH. ABEH BERANI BISING PASAL AKU. Kau ade bbl ngan laki kawan kau tu semua aku cakap je. Tak bising pun. Jealous memang jealous. Tapi aku caya kau. Pasal aku ade trust in kau. Lepas tu, aku dah tak bising lagi. Aku bbl ngan kawan ppm aku pun kau dah bising cam nak bunuh aku gitu. wtf siaa. Lebih baik, aku LONER KAN!! BBL NGAN LAKI JE. KAN SENANG GITU. CAKAP JE UH KALAU KAU NAK GITU. STRAIGHFORWARD SUDAH AH.
BIAR KAU TAK BUAT BISING. KATER AKU BUAT HAL AH GINI?! Kau cakap aku benda siket nak bising. HAH! KONEK AH. AKU benda siket nak bising? PLS LA. Kau yg membebel cam orang GILA tengking kat aku. Aku dah baik2 cakap drop the topic drop the topic, kau BISING lagi, KAU BISING LAGI. Aku belom attached balik ngan kau tau ni, DAH BISING BISING. APE LAGI KALAU AKU DAH NGAN KAU BALIK KAN?!?! KATER NAK TUKAR TUKAR. Abeh gadoh ngan aku cam ADE HAL SIAL gitu. kimak. serious ah. KAU NYER EGO CAM SIAL. aku ade kat sini trying to support kau, listening to kau nyer probs and sharing things. Kau kat situ jerit jerit maki maki aku je tau. CAMNE NAK MOVE ON NI AH. KIMAAAAK LAH. SIAAAAAAL!!!! Aku tak faham ah biler kau gini. SERIOUS SIA.
Its really horrible to have couples that fight in this manner. Disrecpectful for each other. Seriously, having a lot of fights not gonna work. The worst fight ever between us. You really gotta change. I really am disappointed with you and dont get what you want exactly. I really hate it when you have your ego up in ur head and starts to trigger and everything comes out, regardless of true or lie out of anger. Im just hurt when you screamed and yelled at me. You already begged me to come back to you. It takes time to have me think abt it. Seriously, we know each other for almost 3 years plus. And Im glad that we made it far. Im sorry Zilah. I guess I really have to go this time. Seriously, its not gonna work that way. And yes. I was abt to ask you if I could come back to you when we meet until this happened. It changed my mind. It was so horrible that it can change my mind so instant and in such a quick way of no turning back. Sigh. i really love you. In my heart. So good luck for your future. I guess i have nothing to say anymore. Gonna wish the best for your new boyfriend and tell him to take care of you more than I could take care of you. Goodluck. :'/
With loves,
Shazzysamdol.
BIAR KAU TAK BUAT BISING. KATER AKU BUAT HAL AH GINI?! Kau cakap aku benda siket nak bising. HAH! KONEK AH. AKU benda siket nak bising? PLS LA. Kau yg membebel cam orang GILA tengking kat aku. Aku dah baik2 cakap drop the topic drop the topic, kau BISING lagi, KAU BISING LAGI. Aku belom attached balik ngan kau tau ni, DAH BISING BISING. APE LAGI KALAU AKU DAH NGAN KAU BALIK KAN?!?! KATER NAK TUKAR TUKAR. Abeh gadoh ngan aku cam ADE HAL SIAL gitu. kimak. serious ah. KAU NYER EGO CAM SIAL. aku ade kat sini trying to support kau, listening to kau nyer probs and sharing things. Kau kat situ jerit jerit maki maki aku je tau. CAMNE NAK MOVE ON NI AH. KIMAAAAK LAH. SIAAAAAAL!!!! Aku tak faham ah biler kau gini. SERIOUS SIA.
Its really horrible to have couples that fight in this manner. Disrecpectful for each other. Seriously, having a lot of fights not gonna work. The worst fight ever between us. You really gotta change. I really am disappointed with you and dont get what you want exactly. I really hate it when you have your ego up in ur head and starts to trigger and everything comes out, regardless of true or lie out of anger. Im just hurt when you screamed and yelled at me. You already begged me to come back to you. It takes time to have me think abt it. Seriously, we know each other for almost 3 years plus. And Im glad that we made it far. Im sorry Zilah. I guess I really have to go this time. Seriously, its not gonna work that way. And yes. I was abt to ask you if I could come back to you when we meet until this happened. It changed my mind. It was so horrible that it can change my mind so instant and in such a quick way of no turning back. Sigh. i really love you. In my heart. So good luck for your future. I guess i have nothing to say anymore. Gonna wish the best for your new boyfriend and tell him to take care of you more than I could take care of you. Goodluck. :'/
With loves,
Shazzysamdol.
A little surprise for you huh.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Just what the hell. I dont understand. Why are we like this. I just asked you a simple question. You kept quiet. Oh come on. Please. ):
Worse case is that you keep insulting me. Insult me like any other insults you made in your life. Its just shocked and disappointing.
Who says I gave up on you? Since when? Im just trying to let you cool down and call me back when you're really yourself. I dont know you heard what I said, but all I get a tweet from you that I just hung up. What the fuck? Are you making up stories to put me to shame to others? WHO AM I TO YOU? AN ASSHOLE? OR YOUR LOVED BOYFRIEND? )': You know it fucking hurts when you do that. Insult me like hell. Hope you're satisfied right now. )))':
NEVER in my life have I insult you. NEVER in my life, have I the thought to insult you.
Wanna know why? Its because I love you. Do you even know whats love are for? The secrets behind LOVE? OMG ): Im just fucking speechless. NEVER in my life would I hurt you to THAT FUCKING EXTENT. Sigh. Now you're not talking to me. Im just so fucking disappointed. I did nothing wrong and there you go screaming like hell (Fyi. I was abt to say "there you go screaming like a crazy bitch" But I didnt.) SEE what I mean by loving you! ): Oh.My.God.
You girls are just nasty. We guys here are to be there with you always. And there you go screaming at us like we're just a waste for you girls. We guys dont yell at you whenever we want to. you girls are complicated. But still, we guys love you and try our very best to adapt to you girls to have our relationship a wonderful one. When those types of guys that ditch you or being an asshole to you girls, you all cry, complaint, insult. But when we, the type of guys that are totally the opposite of that, you girls still complaint and insult instead of making use of we particular types that are always with you wherever you are. Sigh.
I love you still )':
<3 Shazzy,
Worse case is that you keep insulting me. Insult me like any other insults you made in your life. Its just shocked and disappointing.
Who says I gave up on you? Since when? Im just trying to let you cool down and call me back when you're really yourself. I dont know you heard what I said, but all I get a tweet from you that I just hung up. What the fuck? Are you making up stories to put me to shame to others? WHO AM I TO YOU? AN ASSHOLE? OR YOUR LOVED BOYFRIEND? )': You know it fucking hurts when you do that. Insult me like hell. Hope you're satisfied right now. )))':
NEVER in my life have I insult you. NEVER in my life, have I the thought to insult you.
Wanna know why? Its because I love you. Do you even know whats love are for? The secrets behind LOVE? OMG ): Im just fucking speechless. NEVER in my life would I hurt you to THAT FUCKING EXTENT. Sigh. Now you're not talking to me. Im just so fucking disappointed. I did nothing wrong and there you go screaming like hell (Fyi. I was abt to say "there you go screaming like a crazy bitch" But I didnt.) SEE what I mean by loving you! ): Oh.My.God.
You girls are just nasty. We guys here are to be there with you always. And there you go screaming at us like we're just a waste for you girls. We guys dont yell at you whenever we want to. you girls are complicated. But still, we guys love you and try our very best to adapt to you girls to have our relationship a wonderful one. When those types of guys that ditch you or being an asshole to you girls, you all cry, complaint, insult. But when we, the type of guys that are totally the opposite of that, you girls still complaint and insult instead of making use of we particular types that are always with you wherever you are. Sigh.
I love you still )':
<3 Shazzy,
Average
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Well, tonight we didnt talk on the msn that much. Wanted to have a nice chat with her. But then she's busy with her stuffs so I just kept quiet and let her to handle her stuffs first. So I waited and waited for her till that I fall asleep in front of my lappy. Thought I would be able to have a chat with her afer she had done with her stuffs. But unfortunately, we didnt. As soon as she found out that I fell asleep in front of my laptop, we called it a night. D:
Sigh. Well nevermind then. Somehow, nowadays, I dont see a point for me to online cos at times, its either she took a long time to reply and that cos me to lose the momentum or mood to talk to her OR we talked for sometime, then kept quiet whereby it was my last reply till that she could possibly be busy with her stuffs till that she didnt chat with me. I dont know what she's doing or busy with. I dont want to be a busybody or accused as one nor I want to make assumptions even though my thinking said so. So the only the thing that I can do is just to keep quiet. Sigh. Not a good night tonight. Nvm. Im changing. I will only keep my doubts or anger here. No else where.
Well have a good night everybody out there except me. Bye.
Sigh. Well nevermind then. Somehow, nowadays, I dont see a point for me to online cos at times, its either she took a long time to reply and that cos me to lose the momentum or mood to talk to her OR we talked for sometime, then kept quiet whereby it was my last reply till that she could possibly be busy with her stuffs till that she didnt chat with me. I dont know what she's doing or busy with. I dont want to be a busybody or accused as one nor I want to make assumptions even though my thinking said so. So the only the thing that I can do is just to keep quiet. Sigh. Not a good night tonight. Nvm. Im changing. I will only keep my doubts or anger here. No else where.
Well have a good night everybody out there except me. Bye.
Expect the Unexpected.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
This will be my journal or diary. No one knows.(unless someone views my blog uh)
I dont know what to do now. My mind just cant stop thinking stupid crap imaginations. I trust my gf. And she trust me and I must not lose her trust for me. I love her alot. But anything can happen in the future. We may never know. But im just saying that if she loses my trust for her, well thats it. I wont hesitate to put us to an end. Seriously. I will not be surprise if that happens. I wont fight. I will just put it to an end. No point me to not put it to an end, as it may happen again in the late future, after what happened. Im sorry. But to leave me no choice. Trust we must treasure. You lose it, thats your fucking problem and you are responsible for it. Take things for granted. Dont say I didnt say or warn you. Its ur loss. Too bad.
I dont know what to do now. My mind just cant stop thinking stupid crap imaginations. I trust my gf. And she trust me and I must not lose her trust for me. I love her alot. But anything can happen in the future. We may never know. But im just saying that if she loses my trust for her, well thats it. I wont hesitate to put us to an end. Seriously. I will not be surprise if that happens. I wont fight. I will just put it to an end. No point me to not put it to an end, as it may happen again in the late future, after what happened. Im sorry. But to leave me no choice. Trust we must treasure. You lose it, thats your fucking problem and you are responsible for it. Take things for granted. Dont say I didnt say or warn you. Its ur loss. Too bad.